“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.

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*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*


KIM JONG-UN: I’m banning sarcasm

ME: well that’s just great

K: what?

M: I reeeally hate sarcasm

K: seize him…I think


Oscar Wilde: Always be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.

Liam Neeson: I will find them.

Wilde: Wait, I meant-



Why do they call it “Jew-ish”? Are they not Jew enough?


Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?


*the night I met my spouse*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*

Me: I don’t usually do this.


Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.


Cologne companies have no clue what really attracts women.

If they did, every bottle would smell like doughnuts.


ubereats: u look hungry

me: ya

ubereats: but ur so fuckin lazy

me: ya

ubereats: i bet little piggy wants a 15 dollar ice cream cone delivered

me: ya