“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
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Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I’m awake but I object,
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
when you are just born a rebel
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…