“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
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Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
LMAO.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Another day, another…goddammit
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic