“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
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wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Thaw me like one of your french fries
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
That’s easy for you to say
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.