“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
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[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Sounds like a bargain
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”