Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”

The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie

Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?

Me: You bought me a ski jacket

Her: Skiing is a sport!

Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.

*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.

GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win

I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄

[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,

Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.

There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.

You’re telling me this life crisis is mid

the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)

Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me

If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.

[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.

Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…

And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking

“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it

*seasons greetings*

*eats greetings*

T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R

Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.

3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob

the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”

My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.

therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?

me: no no, i said arsonist

therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now

me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen

Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.