Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?

Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad

Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.

You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.

🐿️

I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.

Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son

If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.

[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi

I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot

The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot

KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.

ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional

UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything

I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…

It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.

90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.

Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.

“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them

My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money

Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.