Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good

Him: that’s my bandaid

Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.

I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies

In my experience, it’s better to make other people suffer for your art.

ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision

Bootstraps

Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?

You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal

“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night

Me: *eating turkey*

Cartographer: My work!

[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?

her: probably “ethereal,” it means-

me: mine is “shuttlecock.”

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*

[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.

No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.

Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.

Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.

I’m the neighbor

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up

me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ

*first day as crime scene investigator*

*Removes sheet covering victim*

*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*

*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*

Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.

Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.

Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣