Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as librarian]

guy: i’m looking for a book—

me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK

*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!

[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

Motion detecting home security camera working well!

Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone

me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean

brain: probably will be good in a minute

me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month

Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.

Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.

The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.

Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

selfie game

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

My wife is just 3 days younger than me…

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.

I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility