Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree

The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country

I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.

i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.

MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress

ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.

My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it

I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.

Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.

I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.

What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day

Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.

My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…

[during sex]

her: choke me

me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}

I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??

At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.

*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*

Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.

old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia