Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
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Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
8yo: can you tell me a story?
Me: sure. Your mom and I get ice cream after you go to bed every night.
Me: goodnight, buddy.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
DATING TIP: Size does matter! Tell her how big your TV is.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
The same woman who said “I’m your mom not your friend” has sent me 17 Facebook friend requests.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.