Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
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A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted