Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
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lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Monica just destroyed the internet
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
This is me 🤣🤣
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob