Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
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These dogs look like they have good credit.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
You know…for fall…
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”