Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
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Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Autocorrect just changed “have a prosperous 2025” to “have a preposterous 2025” and I feel that’s much more likely.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.