Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
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me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.