Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
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I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.