Honey I made you some hotdog water
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HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
meanwhile over on facebook
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.