Honey I made you some hotdog water
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Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Today I’m going to give it my almost
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.