Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
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My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
#Caturday
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
“HELP WITH CAT”
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
don’t never drink and drive. drive high.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info