Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
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I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Mmmm. Shoeshi
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
when nothing goes right… go left
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim