Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
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Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Glad they’re banning TikTok. It’ll be nice to be reunited with my kids, and see how much they’ve grown over the years.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Smells like a challenge to me
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.
Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did