honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
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*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
#Thanos #MondayMood
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
And now we wait
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.