Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.

Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.

i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again

Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.

*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*

New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn

10yo: How do you make a math book happy?

Me: IDK. How?

10yo: Solve the problems.

Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.

I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly

I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.

6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.

The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.

I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.

Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music

My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed

My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.

I lost my job as a surgeon.

Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.

Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.

If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.

I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.

Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?

I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐

I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train

what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

“What are you doing tonight?”

Gonna smoke some Herb.

“Nice.”

-guys who work in a crematorium

My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”

The student has surpassed the master