honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
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MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.