The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
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Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess