Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.

Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”

Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

Just another unrealistic body expectation for women

Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward

Some of us just developed bad knees

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.

Angel: Welcome to Heaven

Me: But… this is a Costco…

A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need

M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*

My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.

Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night

Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.

So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.

[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”

Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?

Mugshot photographer: No

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.

cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.

90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.

My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza

MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.

[explaining fingernails to an alien]

ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.

ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.

Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.