Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The French really did the “this is fine” meme.

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..

When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off

18 is TOO young to get married!

You can’t even buy booze at 18!

If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?

Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything

Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.

Sounds like a bargain

[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho

*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*

Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.

ME: Tell me my future.

PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.

ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.

*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass

“I’m helping” 😅

My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.

If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.

[thanksgiving dinner]

Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive

My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!

What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon

Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.

[in high school]

me: that’s the guy I like…

friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-

me:

What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??

making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me

The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.