Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.

I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon

A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.

Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…

Virtual school adventures

6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.

Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.

6: Can i watch something on my tablet?

[Burping a baby]

Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”

my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.

Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: is my trunk open?

Cop: no.

Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk

If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.

Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.

Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”

watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic

Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”

Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.

my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.

“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.

My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.

I gave up going to work for lent.

Me: It’s time to get ready for school.

Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?

Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.

[6 hours later]

Kid: What are we having for dinner?

Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.

Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.