Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
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My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Respect
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be