If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
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My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…