honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
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Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen