“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
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And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Your secret is safeish with me
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.