“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
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[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.
Husband: On it!
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”