Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
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If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy