Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.

How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

Me when they’re trying to close the buffet

If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.

I’ll wait.

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

#dnd #ttrpg

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda

ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.

Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.

Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.

Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.

Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”

*Creating a new social media app*

“It’s good but will it divide people? If not then what’s the point.”

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.

i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat

can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”

I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.

What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?

Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”

Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages

If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all

Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?

You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.

Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.