Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
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*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?