“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
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Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Taliband
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂