honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
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A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
I hope this email finds you in a well
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.