honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
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listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*