Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much

Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

my kid: hold my cheerios

my kid: *drops cheerios*

Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”

Worst feelings:

1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help

I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”

Yup, NOT going in there.

Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”

Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.

[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]

“im not looking for any trouble”

all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD

[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?

Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

WHAT DO WE WANT?

A NAP!!

THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?

Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.

You’ll make me nervous.

Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]

“The”

*bounce*

“British”

*bounce*

“are”

*bounce*

“coming!!”

*bounce*
*bounce*

Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?

Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together

Therapist: No

Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.