“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
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I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
me: what
cat: what
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
peeping toms
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
Family Celebrity
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
is this store having a stroke wtf
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?