Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

[God Creating Raccoons]

God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk

I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!

The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.

I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house

*Interrupts your meltdown*

Where do you keep the good snacks!?

You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.

* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes

I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?

Asking for a friend.

* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.

When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.

I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.

I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu

[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall

I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.

Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts

I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*

ME: cmon man

DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*

ME: I’m so hungry, David

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”

“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.

Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”

Me trying to walk in a dream

Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know

Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.