“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
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A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Stonehinge
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…