“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
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if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
forgive me baja for i have blast
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.