“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
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[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”