“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
You Might Also Like
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
I love this❤️😁👍
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages