Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal

Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.

Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.

Therapist: So why are you guys here?

Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.

Him: This is our first date?

Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.

Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.

COP: License and registration please

ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs

Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.

I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?

For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:

“sry that wsnt for u”

Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]

Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]

“Miss me yet?” – 2019

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

Nobody:

8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”

*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.

Me: Now do you believe me?

Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.

Me: Then who made all that ice?

Wife: *walks away*

Me: WHO?!

“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.