“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
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her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.