“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
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[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
I’m Sold!
Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
could’ve been anyone
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.