“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
You Might Also Like
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Made something I’m not proud of
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Always the camel, never the toe.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them