“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
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Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
The second world war should have been called world war returns
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door