“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
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“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
I cannot call her anything else now
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Gotta say whoever invented the potato nailed it and should be trusted to invent more stuff
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Them: “two heads are better than one”
Me: “nah i’m good here, this one overthinks enough thanks”
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
“A little help here, Danny?”
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.