Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us

*first and last day as a therapist *

patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room

me: you’re not alone

patient: aaaahhhhhhh

BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.

[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*

I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.

Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.

therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-

me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u

ME: [gets into a car accident]

EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives

One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you

“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”

Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?

Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage

*at Starbucks*

7yo: can I order for you?

Me: sure!

7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!

“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.

Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.

[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.

Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud

The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??

Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere

You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.

[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]

3-year-old: I hate this show.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

3-year-old: He never eats anybody.

Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?

I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.

Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊

Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”

Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”

Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down

me: wow that exam was easy

*gets a 53*

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers

Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.