My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
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Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Mad Max: Furry Road
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Has science gone too far?