Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
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Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side