Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
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Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack