Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
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Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
When you’re here for the treats.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*