Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
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Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Canadian owl: Eh?
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.