Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
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Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Why am I like this?
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
i could never be president. im overqualified.
God tier horse name today on the sims
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
