Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.

You’re welcome.

WIFE: Who was at the door?

ME: More carol singers.

HER: What did they sing?

ME: Silent Night

HER: I hope you didn’t t-

ME: I twerked.

[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut

PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible

Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore

me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*

9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

Urban Dictionary defines Heck:

Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.

at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked

Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…

Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move

Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.

It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.

When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.

Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.

Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”

WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!

that wasn’t the question

thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation

I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.

Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.

ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted

HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination

What a shocker.

I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.

Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.

Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.

*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.