@withanewname

“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”

[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]

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@Tups13

I’ve discovered the best way to get attention is to sit on the coffee table and meow loudly.

@MondayPajamas

Watching my dad try to scroll through pictures on my phone is like watching someone trying to pet a bubble.

@FrazzleMyGimp

VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}

PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!

CIA AGENT: Get me more water!

@AristotlesNZ

My psychiatrist says we need to work on my intimacy issues but then he’s always the one who refuses to snuggle with me on his couch.

@zacharyflynn

If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.

@rickkondell

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

@_Tempo11

I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.

@coketruck76

Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.

My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!

@Donna_McCoy

Rules for a happy marriage:

3. Separate bank accounts

2. Separate data plans

1. Separate bathrooms