“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
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Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong