“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”

[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]

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I’ve discovered the best way to get attention is to sit on the coffee table and meow loudly.


Watching my dad try to scroll through pictures on my phone is like watching someone trying to pet a bubble.


VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}

PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!

CIA AGENT: Get me more water!


My psychiatrist says we need to work on my intimacy issues but then he’s always the one who refuses to snuggle with me on his couch.


If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.


I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.


I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.


Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.

My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!


Rules for a happy marriage:

3. Separate bank accounts

2. Separate data plans

1. Separate bathrooms