“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
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Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school