“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
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Hamburger Hinderer.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: I was raised in a working-class family…
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
