Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon

Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?

When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”

ME: Please don’t make me do this.

WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.

ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?

MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?

ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?

you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit

*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH

I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.

[1st time meeting a friends baby]

Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”

Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”

i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry

Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.

The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family

Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”

Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?

We do, now.

(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)

JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever

ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age

Can’t believe anyone would attack this place

Harsh but true birthday card from my parents

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers

Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.