Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.

I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.

Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.

Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.

I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”

“I’m a cop.”

“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”

Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?

Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman

Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”

*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.

[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.

The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.

[hosting a party]

Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.

Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*

Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?

Sex so good you see dead people.

when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”

Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous

Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies

I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.

social media jobs be like:

Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?

Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business

£13k, Slough

Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.

Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.

*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING

ME: I’m not voting for anyone

CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!

TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!

ME: looks like I’m voting twice then