Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.

I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”

I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.

Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.

Me: Was it Don Henley?

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

Therapist: So why are you guys here?

Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.

Him: This is our first date?

embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)

got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite

Haha! 😂

i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”

PSA: Always be yourself

Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time

Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.

A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.

My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.

Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me

Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.

Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN

[Bar]

Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.

Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*

[hours later]

Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work

Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.

Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.

After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.