Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…

He’s irrelephant

Him- I’ll have a lemona…

Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.

Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.

I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone

Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!

Doctor: is your finger broken?

No, I don’t think so….

Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.

Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”

Staff member: “Bonus!”

Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”

#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.

I wish this was real life…

Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul

The rest of the year

May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators

getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.

Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.

16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.

26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.

36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.

Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts

My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.

my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.

we don’t have a dog.

i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses

Nobody:

4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?

[Sesame Street casting]

Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have

A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates

Exec: Nice, let’s roll

Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?

Dracula: I had to pull some strings

My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”

[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”

why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane

KID 911: wats ur emergency

SON: cant find my shoes

KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?

SON: yes!

KID 911: then it is lost forever

If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.