Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
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You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow
WWE is French for “yes”
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.