Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
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Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
when a toddler tells a story
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands