Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST

I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still

Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.

Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”

Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”

Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.

My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.

[at doctor’s office]

Nurse: You may get undressed now.

Me: [rips off tear away pants]

Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.

*snowstorm rolls through*

*work closes*

Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”

*daycare closes*

Me: “I wish I was dead.”

Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast

Pet toad: WHAT

Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.

A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.

People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?

Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.

‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’

~cats

ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

Google search history:

Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

Economists trying to explain how inflation is real

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”

– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car

[runs into friends with baby]

Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.

Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?

Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?