Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every damn time

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

Me: School starts in a few days.

7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine

All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets

Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!

*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*

*orders some*

JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!

*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!

ME: I’m here for toilet pap–

COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS

ME: But I…

COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS

ME: I just nee–

COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI

ME: *spends $472*

“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine

Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”

Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house

It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.

You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!

Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.

Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”

Breaking news:

haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”

“What kind are you using?”

“Grape”

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

me: *starts the washer*

me, two minutes later: what’s that noise

WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say

3yo: I want to help!

Me: You can help by being quiet.

3yo:

Me:

3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!

I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?

“Can I shower with this cast?”

DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?

PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!